Fun News

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Ever watch the news and wished that some of the events could turn out different? Well, here are some stories (mostly sent in by you) with content that at least I would like to see happen. Most of these reports may not be "entirely accurate".
We encourage you to send us your news stories (real or imagined). Just send to The head geek reporter.

News We'd Like To See

Improved Intelligence

The Whitehouse has recently announced new beefed-up intelligence tactics for CIA and FBI operatives around the world. In the wake of 911 and numerous reports of intelligence failures involving those attacks on U.S. Soil, the administration has announced new and vigorous efforts to improve information gathering.
The President, speaking before a Senate Oversight Committee, announced that "even more information has been ascertained concerning terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden". President Bush went on to say that a renewed effort to gather more intelligence contacts in the Middle East has proven more than successful.
Whitehouse Officials are now saying that they are privy to information of the possible whereabouts, weapon storage facilities, other cell locations, and even certain intimate attributes of the physical make-up of Bin Laden's body. When reporters asked to define "physical make-up", they were told "We now understand that Mr. Bin Laden walks softley and carries a small stick".

New Pro Military Campaign

The Bush Administration has just released plans for a new campaign designed to get more Americans behind military personel. "This promises to be an upbeat and straight forward attempt to get more Americans to back out troops in Iraq", President Bush said. According to the Administration there are some Democrats who are still taking on a "Vietnam Era" attitude toward the fighting men and women in the Middle East and that this has a negative effect on the entire country. A Whitehouse Spokesman indicated that although some will not admit it, the attitude still remains and could possibly comprimise national security. He went on to say that this has to stop now and by bringing this to the attention of the American People, there is optimism at the White House that this may, at least, dampen hateful attitudes of some in the liberal ranks. No names or organizations were mentioned.

The idea of the new campaign is to distribute posters with a positive messege toward our military and that our people are doing a fine job. As Americans, we should be truly proud of our Armed Services People and not only support them vocally but in our hearts as well. Radio, TV, and Internet campains are also planned.

Reaction on the other side of the isle in Washington was mixed but generally in favor of the new plan.

Al Qaeda to Cut at Least 5,000 jobs

KABUL (Voice of Sharia) -- Citing worldwide reaction to last week's terrorist attacks, multi-national terror network Al Qaeda announced Thursday that it would lay off 5,000 or more holy warriors.

The "holy war" concern said the move was necessary because of an expected 20 percent fatwah reduction and cost and complexity of thwarting new airport and immigration security procedures, according to a statement broadcast on Afghanistan's Voice of Sharia radio.

"This is, without a doubt, the most difficult thing I have had to do in my over two decades as a mujahad," said Al Qaeda mastermind and chief operations officer Osama bin Laden in a letter to employees. He added, "Some of these people are my friends, who have been fighting the infidel by my side since we were living in caves in Afghanistan during the Soviet occupation. We are still living in caves in Afghanistan, but I believe the bottom is forming and we will see a turnaround soon, provided we can meet the challenge by getting both leaner AND meaner."

"I have declared a state of emergency at Al Qaeda," he said. "This declaration is an official recognition that, hard as it may be to accept, our

network's very survival depends on dramatic change to our operations, our jihad and worst of all our staffing levels."

The cuts, bin Laden said, would include both mujahadin (holy warriors) and ulema (clerics). They will impact Afghanistan, Pakistan and Iraq.

Some mujahadin will be notified immediately, others won't be notified until the end of next week as they finish attacks in progress or in late stages of planning, according to Taliban spokesman Wakil Ahmed.

Staff cuts for suicide pilots, car bombers, petty religious clerics and other Al Qaeda holy warriors will be based on seniority, Ahmed said, in a deal worked out at a meeting between bin Laden and union officials from the IBIJ (International Brotherhood of the Islamic Jihad).

Mujahadin and others who lose their jobs will not receive any sort of severance package, according to the Al Qaeda statement. Pakistan, which

oversees Al Qaeda and its subsidiary Taliban organization, is the world's largest country with a pre-medieval culture and justice system. The country's latest quarterly report said the different units of the Al Qaeda/Taliban organization, including the madrassas (schools Pakistan has been running for twenty years to turn ordinary children into suicidal holy warriors) had at total of 30,000 employees, meaning the cut represents a 16 percent reduction in staff.

OIC (Organization of the Islamic Conference) and bin Laden are considering spending billions on emergency aid to the industry, distributed through a vast network of corrupt Saudi emirs, international prostitution rings and drug smugglers. The current exchange rate is approximately 100,000 afghanis to the dollar.

The PLO announced Tuesday it will reduce its workforce by 200 to 300 sleeper agents worldwide by end of 2002 at its commercial bus bombing division and restaurant theater operations.

Commemorative Stamp Recall

The US Postal Service has issued a recall of a stamp they created with a picture of Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements while serving as the First Lady of our nation.

The problem was discovered when claims had been made that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes, and that mail which had been sent using the "Hillary" postage was not being delivered. Senator Clinton demanded a full investigation into the allegations.

A special Postal Service Investigation team was formed and after several months and many dollars spent, made the following findings:

*The stamp was manufactured properly.

*There was nothing wrong with the adhesive.

*People were just spitting on the wrong side

First Pitch

Recently Former President Clinton and the Former First Lady was invited by George Steinbrenner to opening day at Yankee Stadium. Mr. Steinbrenner asked the Former President, "Mr. President since you are my special guest, and today is opening day, we'd like for you to throw out the first pitch." Mr. Clinton said excitedly, "SURE, I'D LOVE TOO.!" So before the game began, the Former President was introduced to the crowd. The crowd applauded and Clinton welcomed everyone to the game. He then, picked up Hillary, raised her above his head, and gave her the good heave ho straight across home plate. The crowd went WILD! Steinbrenner later told reportes that he thought the Former President was fantastic...but that he told Mr. Clinton to 'throw out the first PITCH (Spelled with a "P" not "B")!" Mrs. Clinton was unavailable for comment.

Cat Looting

Although it has been illegal for over 15 years, some people in the New Orleans area still engage in an almost evil practice - Cat Juggling. Over the years this secretive activity has resulted in the mental and physical disruption of several thousand felines. In the last 5 years alone, cat hospitals and mental institutions have had a significant increase in patients due directly to Cat Juggling.

The recent flooding in and around the New Orleans Area

has given opportunity to those unscrupulous people who either use or sell cats to those who would use them in this practice. One cat expert said, "The value of cats has increased over 300% in the last week or two". Some officials say that this flurry of "cat-napping" should subside along with the water. Cats have been reported missing from many animal shelters, private homes as well as cat houses. Other concerned citizens are worried that Cat Juggling will spread in epidemic proportions over the next few months. Only time will tell.
RIGHT: Bobby and Carlos illegally juggle cats while their mother isn't looking. "She would kick our asses if she found out" Bobby told reporters. Why they would talk to the press about this we are not sure. They both could be fined thousands of pesos and serve years of jail time. Click image to enlarge but only if you have a strong stomach.

Condi Lets Loose

In an address to the United Nations, Secratery of State Condaleeza Rice was asked about Former President Clinton's stand on the War on Terror. The Madam Secretery replied that "the title of Most Powerful man in the world was only in name and could not possibly apply to anyone litterally, especially Mr. Clinton between the sheets". She went on to reveal very intimate details about the Former President. Ms. Rice was speaking to the United Nations last week lambasting Germany and France for their lack of support for the US's war on terror. She compared the two nations to Mr. Clinton by saying that they were both rather "limp" and were unable to "satisfy" the requirements of any partner or ally.
France's Delegate replied, "liar liar pants on fire". The German Representative stormed out of the room in tears. Former President Clinton was unavailable for comment.

Senator Kerry Visits School

Senator John Kerry visited a primary school in New York City recently to campaign for Terrorist's Civil Rights. The Senator sat in on one of the classes which was is in the middle of a discussion of words and their meaning.
The teacher asked Mr. Kerry if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So, the Senator asked the class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy. "That's wrong," Kerry said. "That would be considered an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"You are completely incorrect" replied the Senator. "That would be what we would consider a great loss".
The room went silent. No other children volunteer. Kerry searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. He asked: "If a plane carrying Senator John Kerry was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy".
"Fantastic !" exclaimed Mr. Kerry. "You are absolutely right. Can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"The boy replied, "because it sure as heck wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident!"

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