General Jokes

Mary had a little pig, She kept it fat and plastered; And when the price of pork went up, She shot the little bastard.
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MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
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JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
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SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb ass!"
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HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
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HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
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GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
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There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Appearances There were two brothers. One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful. His brother on the other hand was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt. The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways.

Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy. One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there. God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead.

The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother. So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother. He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.

Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with you. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don't understand, if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment".

God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it; the blonde doesn't.

The Wish A white guy is walking along a beach on the Mississippi Gulf Coast when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear and tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100.00 bills. Then, there is a knock at the door.
He answers the door and standing there are two people dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead. The Klansmen walk off.
As they are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one, "I don't get it. I can understand the first wish, having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he'd want to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

Lady in the Bar A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.
When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," the man replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, Running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the women's bathroom...."

True Doctor Stories A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were serveral cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No Doctor, but the song you are whistling is 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner'."
--Won't give name

The Facelift A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "I'm exactly 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29. "The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."
Now, she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but, thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although,when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are." They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay,...how old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, Madam, you are 47." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?" "No", she says.
He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

The Perfect Relationship ♥ It's important to have a woman who helps at home, and has a job.
♥ It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
♥ It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
♥ It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
♥ It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

The Cowboy and the Minister A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."

The Vet A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary clinic. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might be in a coma or something.
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning in a few moments with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet escorted the dog from the room and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and delicately sniffed the bird. The cat then sat back, shook it's head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but, like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably dead."
He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS!" she cried. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS just to tell me my bird is dead?!"
The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been $20, but ... what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan.....

Daddy LongLegs A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a daddy longlegs." her father answered.
"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.
"Well, we're not having THAT sort of shit in our garden."

It's Starting A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts." That's it - she blows her top! "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighed. "It's started!

Operation Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze," The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A Circumcision." The second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

Elmo A new employee is hired at the Tickle me Elmo Factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am, there is a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs. The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says,
"I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday, Your job is to give Elmo, Two Test Tickles."

Checking Account A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window: "I want to open a damn checking account." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry, sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank."
"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

Ned Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal.
Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with, "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!"
Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned.
After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down to eat.
"Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill.
"I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned.
"Now Ned," says Bill, "you're pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world.
" "Oh yeah," Ned replies, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!"
"That so?" answers Bill.
"How about the president of the United States?"
"Let's go!" says Ned.
The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Ned! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!"
The three go play a round of golf and then leave.
"That was luck!" says Bill, "Two thousand says you're not friends with the Queen of England!"
"Let's go!" says Ned.
They fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen. "Hello Ned my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave.
Frustrated, Bill says, "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!" Ned says, "Let's go!"
When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and he will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak.
When the Pope came out, Ned's arm was wrapped around him. Ned looks down from the balcony and sees Bill passed out on the ground.
He rushes down and wakes him up.
"Bill! Bill! Wake up!"
Bill opens his eyes and says, "Ned. You're the most popular man in the world."
"I told you that, Bill," says Ned. "But you didn't faint when I knew the President and you didn't faint when I knew the Queen!"
"I could almost take it that you knew the Pope," says Bill.
"But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said,
"Who's that up there with Ned?"

Insight A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.
Better to be safe than....punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the ....bug is close.
It's always darkest before...Daylight Savings Time.
Never underestimate the power of..termites.
You can lead a horse to water but...how?
Don't bite the hand that....looks dirty.
No news is..........impossible.
A miss is as good as a.......Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new....math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll..stink in the morning.
Love all, trust........me.
The pen is mightier than the....pigs.
An idle mind is.....the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's....pollution.
Happy the bride who.....gets all the presents.
A penny saved is....not much.
Two's company, three's....the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what..you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ..... you have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as...Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not...spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed.....get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you.....see in the picture on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind....get out of the way.
And the favorite .....
Better late than ...........pregnant.

Ticket A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."
He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
( She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.)

I left New Port Richey heading toward Daytona, when I decided to stop at a rest area. The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall:
"Hi, how are you doing?"
Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway rest area, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed: "Not bad."
And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?"
Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said:
"Well, just like you I'm driving east."
Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back, there's some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you."

That's Life

Let's see if I understand how the world works lately... If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant. If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company. If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television. If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer. And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore. So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates ... okay?

God Bless America !

The Lone Ranger The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very Fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time.
I said "BRING POSSE!"

THE RULES ACCORDING TO GUYS We always hear "the rules" from the feminine side. Ok - now hear the guys' side These are our rules!
♠ Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
♠ Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
♠ Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
♠Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and NASCAR.
♠ Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
♠ Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
♠ When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
♠ Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it! We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
♠ Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
♠Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
♠ Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
♠ A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
♠ Check your oil! . Please.
♠ Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
♠ If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
♠ Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
♠ You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
♠ Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
♠ Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
♠ The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
♠ ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
♠ If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
♠ We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
♠If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

The Taliban A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One American soldier is better than ten taliban". The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls out "One American soldier is better than one hundred taliban". Furious, the taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The American voice calls out again "One American soldier is better than one thousand taliban".The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends then across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, its a trap. There's two of them."

The Bet A rich white guy in Georgia decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the token black guy .in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women. At the height of the party, the rich white dude said, I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in. The words were barely out of the rich white dude's mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of shit like head butts and chokeholds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Japanese Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it sink to the bottom like a Wall-Mart goldfish.
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the rich white guy says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy. The rich white dude said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it,". answered Leroy. The white dude said, Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" The brother said no. The confused rich white guy said, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the S.O.B. that pushed me in the pool

CIA The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a .45 Revolver. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. 6 shots were heard, one shot after another. The agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

A Touching Story A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 6-year old daughter, naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around, and eventually the constrution crew - gems in the rough - all of them -- more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration, and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew, building a house all week."
"My Goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too"?
"I will, if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the fucking bricks", replied the little girl."

Feel like a woman "On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. She stands up in front of the plane. Screaming, "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He is gorgeous, Tall, Well Built, with long flowing black hair and blue eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbottoning his shirt.........
One button at a time........
No one moves......
He removes his shirt.........
Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her......
He extends the arm holding his shirt out to the trembling woman........
And whispers........
"Iron this."

Under Water A scuba diver 25 feet below the surface sees a guy without any scuba gear on, so he decides to drop down another 25 feet. But when he takes a look around, he sees the same guy! I can't believe it, thinks the scuba diver.
He dives down another 25 feet and looks around, and sure enough, there's the guy again. Amazed, the scuba diver pulls out his underwater chalkboard and writes, "how can you go so deep without any equipment?" The guy grabs the board and writes, “I'm drowning, you idiot!”

Computer Diagnosis One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ten dollars."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample, and deposited the $10. The computer made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

Personal Problem Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles," the doctor says.
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need-a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see, size 44 long?" Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job," the salesman said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and sixteen and a half neck?" Joe was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?" he asked. "It's my job," the salesman said again.
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure," The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see, size nine and a half Joe was astonished. "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job," the salesman repeated.
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see, seven and five-eighths." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" Joe asked. "It's my job," the salesman laughed.
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size thirty-six?" Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size thirty-four since I was eighteen-years-old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Grammer A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said: "So, where y'all from?" The New York girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where y'all from, bitch?"

One Hole Behind A man visited a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at his motel, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting, so he got the directions to a nearby golf course from the clerk. While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and became confused about where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained the situation, and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again, he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went into the clubhouse, where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh." "No, I wouldn't." "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I sell Tampax." With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

Test Two guys were taking a chemistry class at the University of Alabama. They were doing well in the class and thought that going into the final with a solid "A." They were so confident that the weekend before finals week, they went to the University of Tennessee to party with some friends. They had a great time. However, because they had hangovers, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Alabama until early Monday morning, the day of the exam.
Rather than taking the final, they found their professor after it was over and explained why they missed the final. They told him that they went to the University of Tennessee for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but had a flat tire on the way back. Since they didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time, they were late in getting back to campus. The professor told them they could make up the final on the following day. They were elated and relieved.
The next day, the professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. The first problem, worth five points, was something simple about Molarity & Solutions. "Cool," they both thought. "This is going to be easy."
The next problem was worth 95 points. It said, "Which tire?"

Promotion 1.Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2.hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3.wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4.thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5.finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended
6.measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7.breaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no
8.vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9.knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10.classified as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot be
11.dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12.promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13.executed as soon as possible.
Regards,
Project Leader
KEEP READING...
Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader: Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment.
Regards,
Project Leader

Furlough An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

The dog did it!
A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making tears come to her eyes and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!".
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

Things you'd never know without watching the movies
Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 22.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill, just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

When in love, it is customary to burst into song.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Yankee Stadium.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, Would you like me to be your friend? The girl hesitated, then said, Okay, looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, Why are you standing here all alone? Because, the little girl said with great exasperation, I'm the goalie!

An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check. In a short time he received the following reply: Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine.

What did O.J. say when they asked him if he would play football again? I'll take another stab at it.

What's the difference between O.J. and Elway? One drives an old white Bronco and the other is an old white Bronco.

OJ calls a limo service and requests a limo. The dispatcher tells Mr. Simpson 'Yes sir Mr. Simpson we have a limo for you, but it will be a 45 minute wait. ' OJ replies, 'Great, I have some time to kill.'

In this little bar sitting on a stool at the bar all by himself was a 6 foot 5 inch 350 pound Indian having a few beers minding his own business when a little queer comes in and sits down right beside the big Indian. The Indian looks at the queer not saying anything and goes back to drinking his beer and minding his own business. The little queer has 3 or 4 beers and goes to the washroom for a leak, he returns to the same stool beside the big Indian with no conversation between the two. The queer has 3 or 4 more beers and finally has enough nerve to say something to the big Indian. He leans over cupping the big Indian's ear asking him if he would like a blowjob. With that the big Indian drills the little queer between the eyes knocking him off the stool, the Indian proceeded to beat the little queer all the way out the front door to the parking lot where he left him near death. The big Indian returned to his stool in the bar like nothing had happened where he finished his beer and asked the bartender to please give him another. The bartender brought over another beer right away asking the big Indian just what the little queer said to him, he's never seen him get that excited before. The big Indian replied ' He said something about a Job'

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place. Yes? Excuse me, sir, the jogger said, do you have the time? The man looked at the car clock and answered, 8:15. The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger. Excuse me, sir, do you have the time? 8:25! The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, I do not know the time! Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window. Sir, sir? It's 8:45!

Did you hear about the kid who was pulled over for speeding? The cop got out of his car and the young man rolled down his window. I've been waiting for you all day, the cop said. The guy replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could. When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Many years ago when Parker made a living as a caprpetlayer he was carpeting a room for a lady in Denver one day he noticed a bump in the carpet he had just laid. He decided to take a break and figure out how to flatten the lump in the newly placed carpet. He labored in thought as how to solve his problem as he looked for his smokes at the same time. It then dawned on him where his cigarettes had gone and what was causing the lump. He then took a rubber mallet and pounded the lump until it was flat. Proud of himself, Parker then gathered his tools and walked out to his truck. As he got nearer he could see his smokes on the dashboard. The owner of the house then came up behind him and asked 'sir, have you seen my parrot?'

THE MORE YOU EAT, THE MORE YOU REALIZE THAT A WAIST IS A TERRIBLE THING TO MIND

A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid. The maid, with her Gallic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself. The rich bitch just scowled and said nothing. And furthermore, the angry girl continued, I am better in bed than you! And I suppose my husband told you that, too? No, Madam, said the maid. The chauffeur told me that!

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41. So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...? After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, I guess you'd be eating alone.

A man went to a CD store and bought a LOT of CD's. When he came back home his wife asked him, "Why do you buy CD's if you dont even have a CD player?" He answered, "Why do you buy bras?"

Last summer, the circus came to town. And with it, they had a clown. He had a very interesting act....as he also played the harp. That evening, the ringmaster wanted the clown to play the harp on the high-wire as it had never been done before. The clown practiced all day and when 8pm came, he was ready. He slung his portable harp over his shoulder and climbed the tower to the high-wire. There he grabbed the pole and proceeded to walk the wire. Once he was halfway out, he was going to sit down and play his harp to the crowd below. When he got about 5 feet from the middle, a string on his harp broke and one of the ends dug into his back causing him some agonizing pain. He reached back with his right hand to move the string and tumbled to his death. You know, it's sad when a clown dies from a broken harp.

A bus filled with politicians is speeding down a country road when it swerves into a field and hits a tree. The farmer who owns the field and tree comes out to investigate. Then he digs a hole and buries the politicians. A few days later the sheriff drives by and sees the bus. He goes and gets the farmer and asks him where the politicians are. He says he buried them. The sheriff asks if they were all dead. The farmer says, "Some of them were but some of them were trying to tell me they weren't. But you know how politicians lie!"

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. "If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines> are on fire. "If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. "If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. "That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

St. Peter and God were playing golf one day. Peter teed of first and hit a pretty good shot straight down the fairway. God teed off next and hit a terrible shot heading for the rough. Then out of the blue, a squirrel caught the ball and ran with it to the fairway. Then a bird swooped down and took the ball It dropped the ball in on a turtle in a water hazard. The turtle then put the ball in the hole and God got a hole in one. Peter turned to God and said, "Are we gonna play golf or are we gonna dick around?!!"

A big bear and little rabbit are taking a dump side by side in the woods. The bear looks down at the rabbit and asks. "Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies "no". So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

Three men were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The first man finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented: "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean." The second man finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented: "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious." The third man zipped up and as he was walking out the door said: "I graduated from Penn State and they taught us not to pee on our hands."

The "Stupid" things people say!
1.You're sitting on a news paper and someone comes up and asks "are you reading that?"
2.The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.
3.People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
4.People who say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Screw off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat?
5.When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
6.When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid$7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at frikken ceiling up there.
7.The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!
8.People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
9.When something is "new and improved", which is it? if it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
10.When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole you pulled me over!

TEXAS MEDICINE
Two Texans were having lunch at their favorite restaurant when they noticed a young woman at the next table having trouble breathing. One of the Texans got up, walked over to her table, took her face in his big Texan hands and said, "Kin ya swaller?" She shook her head 'no.' "Kin ya breath?" Again she shook her head 'no.' The Texan grabs her around the waist with one of his big Texan hands, turns her over, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and licks her right on the butt! Of course the young woman was so shocked that she coughed, causing the food to dislodge. The big Texan pulls up her panties, pulls down her skirt, turns her right side up, tips his hat and returns to his seat. His companion is sitting there stunned. "I have never seen anything like that in my whole life!" he says to his heroic friend. "Yeah, I tell ya, that "Hind Lick" maneuver works every time!"

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

ACTUAL ANSWERING MACHINE ANSWERS RECORDED AND VERIFIED BY THE WORLD FAMOUS INTERNATIONAL INSTITUTE OF ANSWERING MACHINE ANSWERS
(The names have been changed to protect the innocent)
1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
4. Hi. Now you say something.
5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.
8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
10. This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.
11. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
13. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
15. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.