Drunks

The Biker
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says: "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says:

"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk!"

Never Question A Drunk A WOMAN WAS SHOPPING AT HER LOCAL SUPERMARKET WHERE SHE SELECTED:
1 HALF-GALLON OF 2% MILK,
1 DOZEN EGGS,
1 QUART OF ORANGE JUICE,
1 HEAD OF ROMAINE LETTUCE,
2 LBS. OF COFFEE,
1 LB. PACKAGE OF BACON.

AS SHE WAS UNLOADING HER ITEMS ON THE CONVEYOR BELT TO CHECK OUT, A DRUNK STANDING BEHIND HER WATCHED AS SHE PLACED THE ITEMS IN FRONT OF THE CASHIER.WHILE THE CASHIER WAS RINGING UP HER PURCHASES, THE DRUNK CALMLY STATED," YOU MUST BE SINGLE."
THE WOMAN WAS A BIT STARTLED BY THIS PROCLAMATION, BUT SHE WAS INTRIGUED BY THE DERELICT'S INTUITION, SINCE SHE WAS INDEED SINGLE. SHE LOOKED AT HER SIX ITEMS ON THE BELT AND SAW NOTHING PARTICULARLY UNUSUAL ABOUT HER SELECTIONS THAT COULD HAVE TIPPED OFF THE DRUNK TO HER MARITAL STATUS.
CURIOSITY GETTING THE BETTER OF HER, SHE SAID "WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT,YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY CORRECT. BUT HOW ON EARTH DID YOU KNOW THAT?"
THE DRUNK REPLIED, "'CAUSE YOU'RE UGLY."

Priceless Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, Spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirin, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove,I left early to go shopping--Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and The morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M.., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"
Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.

The Deputy An Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north of the Missouri state line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.
The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the squad car opened the rear door and got in.
The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "Might as well take my ass on to jail, theres no way in hell I can pass that test.

Push A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push.
"Not a chance" says the husband - "It's three o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was it?" asks his wife. "Just a drunken stranger asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks. "NO, I didn't, it's three in the morning and raining like hell out!" "Well you've got a short memory" says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him."
The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain and calls out into the dark. "Hello-are you still there?"
"Yes," comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing" the drunk replies

The Gambler During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks." The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first." The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender. "Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said. The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said. So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender. "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle. The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

Make Him Throw Up Two police officers were walking down the street one night and turned a corner to see two men on the sidewalk. One was on his hands and knees naked, and the other was behind him with two fingers up his behind. One of the policeman said to the second fellow, "What are you doing?" "I'm trying to make my buddy throw up," the guy explained. "He's incredibly drunk, and it isn't safe." The second officer said, "You'll never make him sick that way." The friend said, "I will when I stick my fingers in his mouth."

Designated Distraction There is a Police car parked outside of a local bar on a Friday night, at closing time. The first patron out of the door staggered to a nearby car and tries to unlock the door several times but to no avail. After trying several cars, he finally staggers to his own,opens the door, and sits inside. Meanwhile other bar patrons file out quietly to their cars. The first patron out then waves, sings and says goodnight to all the other pations. After all the others had left,he then starts his engine at which point the Officer turns on his lights and pulls beside him. The Officer told the happy patron that he needed to get out of his car for a breathalyzer test. The results showed .000. The Officer checked the reading several times but it still turned out to be correct. The patron explained that he had not been drinking was the 'designated distraction'.

Scientific Scientists have proven that beer has traces of female hormones in it. They took 100 men and gave each one 12 pints each. After a while the men began talking nonsense and were unable to drive a motor vehicle.

Smart Boyfriend A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping beer nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him. He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear. Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it out. All right she said, lets get you to the hospital. As they walked outside their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked, where are you and dad going. The mother said, we're off to the hospital, your father has a beer nut caught in his ear. The boyfriend then asked, before you go can I try to dislodge it. The boyfriend then stuck two fingers up the fathers nose and told him to blow. The father blew and out popped the beer nut. The mother then asked the father, our daughters boyfriend is so intelligent, what do you think he'll be when he grows up. The father replied, by the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.

Two condoms walked by a gay bar and one says to the other you want to go in and get shit faced.
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A horse walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

Q: What do you call 1 white man surrounded by 20 indians? A: Bartender.

A three legged dog walks into a saloon, looks around, and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

This guy walks into a bar with a large bullfrog perched on his head. "Where the hell did you get that?" asked the barman. "Well, the bullfrog replied - you won't believe it but it started as this little wart on my ass !"

BEER, MY FRIEND, YOUR FRIEND, EVERYONE'S FRIEND
Beer is for me, beer is for you
First I'll have one, then I'll have two
After three or more, I'll find me a whore
I'll drink 'til I'm drunk, then
I'll even have more
I'll get up and dance, I'll get down and dirty
Then hit on a fat lady, 'cause, "damn she looks purdy"
Seven, then eight, nine, and then ten
The drinking don't stop 'til the puking begins
I'll get really tired, be ready for bed
Then fall on the toilet and bust open my head
There I will stay until the sun comes up
My friends all tell me, "Man you were screwed up!"
"Up your's!" I say, "I had a good time."
"Until I got naked for quarters and dimes."
"Even that was fun," I'll say with a sneer
Thanks to my friend that cold case of beer!