jokes

Women
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to Build up the required pressure. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ Why do men die before their wives?
They want to. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Wisdom
♠Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
♠No one is listening until you fart.
♠Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
♠If you think no one cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
♠If first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
♠Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
♠If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
♠If you tell the truth, your don't have to remember anything.
♠Good judgment comes from bad experience, and alot of that comes from bad judgment.
♠A closed mouth gathers no foot.
♠There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
♠Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
♠Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
♠Never miss a good chance to shut up.

How to Clean Your Toilet
INSTRUCTIONS

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog

This Is Wierd
This is something to think about! Since America is
typically represented by an eagle. Saddam should
have read up on his Muslim passages... The following
verse is from the Quran, (the Islamic Bible)

Quran (9:11) -- For it is written that a son of
Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath of
the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of
Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in
despair still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the
Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah; and there was peace.

(Note the verse number!!!!!)

Did You Know
♣Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"....and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
♣ The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
♣Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
♣Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
♣Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
♣The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to
♣The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% ( now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
♣The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
♣The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
♣Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
♣The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
♣The youngest pope was 11 years old.
♣The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
♣The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
♣Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
♠Spades - King David
♥Hearts - Charlemagne
♣Clubs -Alexander, the Great
♦Diamonds - Julius Caesar
♣If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
♣Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
♣Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace
♣Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession
♣Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand
♣Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey
♣Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year? A. Father's Day
♣In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight."
♣It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month...which we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts.. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
♣Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

True Story This guy went to a party and had too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away.
About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and asks him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house on the next street.
The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run to the robbery location. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.
A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X is there, and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.
The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find the police car, lights still flashing.
True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting.

Fun Facts ♠During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine.
♠In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)
♠An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.
♠In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!
♠Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
♠Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
♠In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.
♠At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.
♠Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.
♠HAVE A GREAT DAY!♠

Subject: GUNS What do you think about these stats?
Number of physicians in the US = 700,000
Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year = 120,000
Accidental deaths per physician = 0.171
(U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services)
Number of gun owners in the US = 80,000,000
Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) 1,500
Accidental deaths per gun owner = 0.0000188
( U.S. Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms)
Therefore, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
" Not everyone has a gun, but everyone has @ least one Doctor."

Brass Monkey Every sailing ship had to have a cannon for protection. Cannons of the times required round iron cannonballs. The master wanted to store the cannonballs such that they could be of instant use when needed, yet not roll around the gun deck. The solution was to stack them up in a square-based pyramid next to the cannon.

The top level of the stack had one ball, the next level down had four, the next had nine, the next had sixteen, and so on. Four levels would provide a stack of 30 cannonballs. The only real problem was how to keep the bottom level from sliding out from under the weight of the higher levels.

To do this, they devised a small brass plate ("brass monkey") with one rounded indentation for each cannonball in the bottom layer. Brass was used because the cannonballs wouldn't rust to the "brass monkey," but would rust to an iron one. When temperature falls, brass contracts in size faster than iron. As it got cold on the gun decks, the indentations in the brass monkey would get smaller than the iron cannonballs they were holding. If the temperature got cold enough, the bottom layer would pop out of the indentations spilling the entire pyramid over the deck. Thus it was, quite literally, "cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey."

So now you know. The rest of the story.

Things You Never needed to Know 1. The venom in a Daddy Long-Legs spider is more poisonous than a Black Widow's or a Brown Recluse, but they cannot bite humans because their jaws won't open wide enough.
2. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
3. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
4. Only 1 person in 2 billion will live to be 116 or older.
5. Mel Blanc ..the voice of Bugs Bunny. . was allergic to carrots.
6. The pop you get when you crack your knuckles is actually a bubble of gas bursting.
7. 101 Dalmatians & Peter Pan ..Wendy.. are the only 2 Disney cartoon features with both parents who are present and don't die throughout the movie.
8. The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
9. There's no Betty Rubble in Flintstones Chewable Vitamins.
10. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
11. Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?
12. In Minnesota it is illegal to cross state lines with a duck on your head.
13. In Indiana it is illegal to ride public transportation for at least 30 minutes after eating garlic.
14. Right-handed people live, on average, 9 years longer than left- handed people do.
15. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
16. Polar bears are left-handed.
17. A cockroach will live 9 days without its head before it starves to death.
18. The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.
19. A rhinoceros horn is made up of compacted hair.
20. The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar & England in 1896.- Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
21. The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
22. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
23. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
24. More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
25. If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.
26. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
27. The word lethologica describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
28. If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
..assuming they could still do it standing up..
29. A snail can sleep for 3 years.
30. China has more English speakers than the United States.
31. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
32. The longest town name in the world has 167 letters.
33. You share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.
34. I am, is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
35. The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long & it refers to a distinct part of DNA.
36. No president of the United States was an only child.

TIPS FOR REDNECKS ALL OCCASION 1.Never take a beer to a job interview
2.Always identify people in your front yard befor shooting at them.
3.It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4.If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5.Even if you ARE in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral.
DINING OUT
1.When decanting wine, make sure you tilt the paper cup. When drinking always hold it with your fingers covereing the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1.A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2.Do not allow the dog to eat at the table.. no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1.While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done using one's OWN truck keys.
2.Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
DATING(Outside the Family)
1.Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2.Be aggressive. Let her know that you are interested:I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.
3.Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some say 10PM; Others might say 'Monday. 'If it IS Monday, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATRE ETIQUETTE
1.Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen. Tests have proven they cannot hear you.
WEDDINGS
1.Livestock,usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift or a bride.
2.Though uncomfortable,say'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
3.The groom should remember that just a clean bowling shirt with a leisure suit can, in some cases be considered tacky.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1.When approaching a 4-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires has the right-of-way.
2.Dim your lights for approaching vehicles even if you have a clear bead on the deer.
3.Never tow another vehivle with pantyhose and a garden hose. 4.When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5.Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6.Never lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

You KNOW you're a redneck when . . .
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is out of your league' bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniels makes your list of Most Admired People.
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, Hey, y'all watch this.
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, Gentlemen, start your engines.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your school fight song is Dueling Banjos.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

TOP OXYMORONS Act naturally
Advanced BASIC
Same difference
Found Missing
Genuine imitation
Almost exactly
Resident alien
Good grief
Legally drunk
Silent scream
Living dead
Small crowd
Soft rock
Butt head
Millitary intelligence
New classic
Sweet sorrow
Now,then
Synthetic natural gas
Peace force
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Plastic glasses
Definite maybe
12-ounce Pound cake
Working vacation
Pretty ugly
Exact estimate
Sanitary landfil
NUMBER ONE OXYMORON IS
Microsoft Works

Think You're Having A Bad Day?
Next time you think you're having a bad day recall:
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
And the capper.......
6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
Here's hoping your day is better than any of these.

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:
1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.
7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.
13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
21. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
22. Marital status: often. Children: various.
23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.
26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

Subject: What a place to work. Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:
*29 have been accused of spousal abuse
*7 have been arrested for fraud
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks
*117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
*3 have been arrested for assault
*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting
*21 are current defendants in lawsuits
*In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving
Can you guess which organization this is? Give up?
It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Proficiency Exam Subject: THE CITY OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
NAME ____________________
GANG NAME ___________________
TAG ____________________
HOOD ____________________
1). Little Johnny has an AK 47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has to reload?
2). Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
3). Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?
4). Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?
5). Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?
6). Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? Extra credit bonus: How much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money?
7). If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?
8). Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?
9). Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the boa on one week's income?
10). Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?

EXPRESSIONS FOR HIGH STRESS DAYS 1. Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine.
2. Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen.
3. Not the brightest crayon in the box, are we now?
4. A hard-on does NOT count as personal growth.
5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
6. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
7. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
8. How many times do I have to flush you before you go away?
9. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
10. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
11. Just smile and say "Yes Mistress,"
12. Mommy, when I grow up I want to be a neurotic bitch just like you.
13. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
14. This is a mean, fucking cruel world & I want my nappy & medication right now.
15. And which dwarf are you?
16. Hello, Tech Support? How do I set a laser printer to stun?