Sexy

Happy and Sad A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time."

The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your dick's bigger than your brother's".

Kicking the Habit Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."
The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."

*IF YOU LAUGH....YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!!

Walk in the Zoo Two gay guys are walking through a zoo...

They come across the gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it.

The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage a nd mates with him for six hours, non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by....

When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.

A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"

"AM I HURT?" he shouts, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called...he hasn't written....."

The Note A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

"To My Dear Wife,You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I ! value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be back home before midnight."

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table: My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math,you will understand that we are in the same situation, altho! ugh with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.Therefore, I will not be back home until sometime tomorrow."

No Come Work Today Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.

"I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.........You got nice house.

Lonely Guy I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in.

It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up... you know the kind.

So I'm in my room and figure, "What the heck, I'll give her a call."

"Hello?" the woman says.

Wow! She sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want, baby! Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic.... but for an outside line, Sir, you need to press 9."

Doctor Bob Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming .
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:
"Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. You're single. Just let it go..........."
But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality, whispering:
"Bob, you're a veterinarian............"

The Sandals A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop! " So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes... Something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of he Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET"!

The Genie A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf..... Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

The Hit Man Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."
"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"
He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.
Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, and just a kid, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."

The Party One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night." The Mailman comments. Bob in obvious pain replies," Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning." We had a about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the Christmas Cheer and got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I.
" The Mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?" Bob continues between hung over gasps," Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." The Mailman laughs and says," Damn I am sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds," your name was guessed four or five times.

Escaped Prisoner A prisoner escapes, runs away, breaks into a house and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up to a chair.
While tying the woman to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he is in there, the husband whispers to his wife, "This guy is an escaped prisoner - look at his clothes! He's probably spent lots of time in prison and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck - if he wants sex, don't resist - just do what he tells you. If he gets angry, he will probably kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck - he was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, and found you very sexy and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."

Little Bob Little Bob passes his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night getting a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his parents in "The Act."
Before his dad can even react, Little Bob exclaims, "Oh, boy! Horsie Ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
Daddy, relieved that Little Bob's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his rhythm, agrees.
Little Bob jumps on his father's back as daddy goes to town. Pretty soon, Little Bob's mom starts moaning and gasping, and moving more and more.
Little Bob cries out "Hang on daddy, this is the part where me and the mailman usually get thrown off!"

Catholic Mothers Four Catholic mothers are having coffee together.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a Priest. When he walks Into a room, everyone says 'Father'."
The second one chirps , "My son is a Bishop. And whenever he walks into a room, everyone says' your Grace'."
The third Catholic mother says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. And when he walks into a room, everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic mother sips her coffee in silence.
The first three ladies all ask, "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a 6' 2", hard-bodied stripper, and hung like a rhino. When he walks into a room, everyone says,
"Oh, my God..."

Gynecologist A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."

Puppy Prozac Three Labrador retrievers (chocolate, yellow and black colored) are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.
The black lab turns to the chocolate and says, "So why are you here?"
He replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything -- the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna give me Prozac", came the reply from the chocolate lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."
He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I crossed the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch.
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like Prozac for me too", the dejected yellow lab said. The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for.
"I'm a humper", the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away.
" The yellow and chocolate labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"
The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

The Pastor The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar." The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded, "Well, heck, if you're that far along you might as well finish the job."

Car Trouble A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day.
So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs.
It's not very long before a police car show up.

The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the heck is going on here?"
My car broke down, says the lady, calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?", asks the cop.

And she said...(scroll down)

(This is good..)

Ready?

"Those are my emergency flashers!"

What you see-What you get A married couple has been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky.
The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12 hour shifts." The newcomer in only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift.
He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" They yell back, "We are not screwing!" A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" Again they yell back, "We are not screwing!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!" They yell back, "we are not screwing!"
Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He is not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they are screwing. "

Good Friends One day, a large group of people were waiting for the bus at a local Greyhound station. At the front of the line was an attractive woman dressed in black business vest, white leather mimishirt, and high heels.
As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she sent to board but found that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the required height. Looking around and thinking quickly, reaches behind her and undoes the zipper on the back of heer skirt a little and then tries again.
Again, she find that she cannot manage the step, so once more she reaches behind her and unzips her skirt a little more ,smiles, looks up at the bus driver and tries to board again. She finds that she still can't step that high and so with exasperation and a sigh she unzips her skirt the rest of the way down. To her amazement, her leg still will not reach the step
Finally, a very large Texan behind her gently grabs her by the waist, lifts her up, and places her on the bus. The woman turns to the Texan furious and says, "'Who do you think you are to touch my body in that way? I don't even know you."
The Texan looks at her and replies, "Well, ma'm, after you unzipped my fly I thought we were preetty good friends."

Last Day It was Gregory the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast:eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.

He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' "The breakfast was my idea."

Take 'em Off! There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He turned out to be fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well. Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great, you should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night went to town. However, One o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand, two-thirty, in came the hired hand. The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off", she said.
Trembling, he did as she asked.
"Now take off my boots."
He did so, slowly.
"Now take off my socks."
He did.
"Now take off my skirt."
He did.
"Now take off my bra."
Again with trembling hands he did as she asked.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties."
He slowly pulled them down.

Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever
wear my clothes to town again!"

Kid Games Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian and a black kid are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game.

"Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay." They all agree.

The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer.

Not to be outdone, the black kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and width. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow that thing is huge!" they exclaim. That night, eating dinner at home, the black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ... and during recess, my friends and I played "Let's see who has the largest penis."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother.

"Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm black. Is that true, Mom?"

The Mom replies: "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

Stowaway A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady.... This is the Staten Island Ferry!"

Science class The 6th grade science teacher asked her class, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered for a long time till little Mary stood up and angrily told the teacher should not be asking 6th graders a question like that. She said she was going to tell her parents, who would tell the school board who would probably ask the principal to fire the teacher!

The teacher ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Finally Billy stood up and said that the body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.

The teacher said "Very good, Billy," then she turned to Mary and said, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

1) you have a dirty mind,

2) you didn't read your homework, and

3) one day when you grow up you will be very, very disappointed"

The BullFrog A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!" "Blowjobs!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.

She randownstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

Big in Texas A Texan went to Chicago, where he thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and, when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes, ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas, and I want to buy a complete city outfit."
Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 double D."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half neck, size 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!" "Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"Will there be anything else?" she asked.
"Yes, ma'am. I spect I'll need a hat."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Eight and five-eighths."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
The woman virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?" "No, ma'am , I reckon that will be all." As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill and as the Texan counted his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?" "Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches." Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "From the floor, ma'am?"

Facts of Life A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" "Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "won't it knock all my teeth out?"

Driving in Heaven Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get. You have to have a car in heaven because heaven is so big!"
The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long were you married?" The first guy says, "Twenty-four years." "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" Peter asks. The guy says, "Yeah, seven times, but you said I was forgiven." Peter says, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."
The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter. The second guy says, "I was married for forty-one years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out well." Peter says, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."
The third guy walks up and says, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for sixty-three years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!" Peter says, "That's what I like to hear. Here's you Jaguar!"
A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto see the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk so they go see what was the matter. When they ask the guy with the Jaguar what is wrong, he says, "I've just seen my wife and she was on a skateboard!"

Labor Pains A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the FATHER.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

Cold Outside A man goes outside to chop wood on a cold blustery winter day and comes in three times and tells his wife that his hands are cold. Each time she tells him to put his hands between her legs to warm up. The fourth time he comes in and tells her the same thing, she replies,'Doesn't your EARS ever get cold?'

Accidental Shooting A woman is pregnant with two girls and one boy. One night the lady goes to a convenience store to buy some bread and milk. While she's in the store, a robber comes barging through the doors and demands money from the cashier. The theft goes badly, and he winds up shooting her in the stomach three times. It turns out she's all right, but of course she's very worried about her unborn children. So she goes to the hospital, where the doctor says all three were shot but will survive to live a long and healthy life. Fourteen years later, one of her daughters comes up to her and says, "Mom, I was peeing today and the weirdest thing happened to me: I peed out a bullet!" The mom tells her the robbery story and advises her not to worry about it. A week later, the other daughter approaches her mom to say she peed out a bullet that morning. The mother tells her the robbery story and advises her not to give it a second thought. A week later, her son comes in the house yelling, "Mom, Mom, the weirdest thing happened to me today!" The mom replies, "I know, you were peeing and a bullet came out." The son says, "No, I was jacking off this morning, and I shot the dog!"

Wish Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter. The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?" "A genie from a bottle granted me one wish." "Great, can I try it?" "Sure." First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie." The guy says, "I want a million bucks!" "Done" says the genie and disappears. A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door. "I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!" The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"

Schedule When three middle managers, all from the same company, lost their golfing fourth, they decided to invite his replacement. However, to their concern, his replacement was a woman. they didn't want to abandon their Sunday sessions so they approached her. Surprisingly, she did play golf and said she would join them at either 6:30 or 6:45 on Sunday morning. She arrived at 6:30 on Sunday, and impressed the three with a 67 round. In the bar afterwards, they invited her to join them at the same time next week, and she replied, "Great, I'll arrive at 6:30 or 6:45." Next Sunday, she arrived at 6:30, and this time she played left-handed and shot a 66! In the bar afterwards, her friends were very impressed, especially by her ability to play either left- or right-handed. They asked her how she decided which clubs to bring. "Well", she said, "I have a system that never fails. When I wake up on Sunday morning, I look over at my husband in bed and if his dick is lying to the left, I bring my left-handed clubs, and if it is lying on the right then I bring my right handed clubs." "What do you if it's in the middle?" they asked. "In that case, I arrive at 6:45!"

Butt End of the Joke One day a nun got into a cab. The cab driver, noticing she was a nun, and asked her if she would ever have sex. After she had thought about it for a while she said "Well, yeah I would have sex with a man if he had never been married, did not have any kids and went to church every Sunday." So the cab driver said "What do you know, I don't have any kids, never been married and I go to church every Sunday!" So he asked her if she would have sex with him and she agreed as long as he would take her from behind. So they had sex and afterward the cab driver said "Ha ha, I have six kids, I've been married three times and I've never been to church a day in my life!!" And the nun pulled off her mask and said "Ha ha, I'm a man going to a costume party!"

Dumber and Dumber Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with breasts a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Minutes later he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with penises a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more they talked, the dumber he got!"

Good With the Bad A man took his father to a nursing home. He promised his father he would come back that night to check on him. That night when he returned, his father said, "You know, son, I think I'm going to like it here. When I got here, they showed me to my room, and I stretched out on the bed and got a big hard-on, and right then a beautiful young nurse came into the room and gave me the best sex I've had in thirty years!" His son said, "That's great, Dad! I'll come back again tomorrow." So the next day the man returned to check on his father. His dad said, "Son, I can't stay in this place for another minute. You've got to get me the hell out of here now!" His son said, "But Dad, I thought you liked it here. What happened?" His dad said, "This morning an orderly came in to give me a bath. Well, I fell down and he had his way with me right there on the floor. It was terrible! Now get me the hell out of here!" His son said, "But Dad, you always taught me to take the bad with the good." To which the old man replied, "That's right, son, but you don't understand. I'm lucky if I get a hard-on once a month, but I fall down at least five or six times a day!"

Fairy Tale Cinderella went to a ball, but she had to be back by midnight, or her crotch would turn into a pumpkin. As the night wore on, her evil stepmother awaited her return. The clock struck twelve, but Cinderella had not yet returned. It swept through 12:15, then 12:30, then 2:30, and finally Cinderalla returned. Her stepmother said, "I thought I told you to be back by midnight! What happened?" Cinderella said, "Oh, I met the nicest young man named Peter Peter..."

Investigate A newspaper in Lakewood, Colorado reports that construction workers informed Police that someone had drilled a peep-hole into the policewomen's locker room. The chief investigator, after finding out about the situation, informed the media that he would 'look into it'

Super Friends After a hard day of crime fighting Batman and Superman were sitting at a local bar having a few beers and discussing the event of the day. Superman says "yeah, so I was flying over Mtropolis today and I looked down on the roof of a skyscrapper and saw Wonderwoman sunbathing in the nude." He went on to say "she was just laying there with her legs spread wide apart." "What did you do" asked Batman? "Well, I did what any other normal superhero would do, I swooped down like a speeding bullet and was able to leap on her on that tall building and screw her more powerfully than a locomotive for hours." "I'll bet she was surprised" replied Batman. Superman shook his head and said in a low voice, "but not half as surprised as the Invisible Man!"

Luck With the Ladies A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. Doc, you'vegot to help me. I can't go on like this. What's the problem? the docotor inquired. Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away. My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you. The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. Did my advice not work? asked the doctor. It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women. So, what's your problem? I don't have a problem, the man replied. My wife does.

Cheating Test A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. She slept with nearly every man on the ship, his wife reported. The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife. She was a real lady, his mistress said. How so? the encouraged man asked. She came on board with her husband and never left his side.

Getting it Noticing that her husband's relationship with the alluring young miss across the street was becoming more than a little friendly, the suspicious wife awoke one morning to find herself alone in bed. Angered, she dialed her attractive neighbor and bellowed into the phone, Tell my husband to get his ass across the street. ' Ma'am,' a soft, sexy voice replied, That's where he's been getting it for some time now.;

Safe Morris, the old professor visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life. Well... the professor drawled, not bad at all, to be honest. The wife isn't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old. My goodness Morris, and at your age too, the doctor said. I hope you at least took some precautions. Yep. I may be old, but I'm not senile yet, doc. I gave 'em all a phony name.

"If my wife really loved me, she would have married someone else."

Q and A's Q: What is green and smells of bacon?
A: Kermet the frogs finger.
Q: What is the difference between the pub and a clitoris?
A: Ask any bloke, and he'll tell you where the pub is!
Q: What do performing cunnilingus and being in the Mafia have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue and you're in the shit.

Coast Guard A couple were sitting in the living room watching TV. The telephone rang, so the husband answered it. He listened for a moment, and then said, in a sarcastic voice, "I have no idea. Why don't you call the coast guard?" and hung up. "What was that all about?" asked his wife. "Oh, I don't know," replied the husband. "Some bloke wanted to know if the coast was clear."

Tell Tale A man went to the dentist to have his teeth checked. While he was sitting in the chair, the dentist asked him, "Have you performed oral sex recently?" Slightly uncomfortable, the bloke replied: "Yes, this morning. I suppose I've got a hair stuck in my teeth? "The dentist shook his head. "No, as a matter of fact, the tip of your nose is covered in shit."

More Q and A's Q: What's the difference between hard and light?
A: You can go to sleep with the light on. Q: What did one ovary say to the other?
A: They must be going to have a party downstairs. Two nuts are trying to push an organ up the passage.

Did you hear about the new shoe Nike are making for lesbians.
The tongue is twice as long and it will only need one finger to get it off.

Q: How do you know if you have a high sperm count?
A: Your date has to chew before she swallows.
Q: What is the politically correct name for a lesbian?
A: A Vegetarian.
Q: How is the card game Bridge and Sex alike?
A: If you don't have a good partner then you better have a good hand.
Q: What part of Popeye never rusts?
A: His prick. He regularly dips it in Olive Oyl.
Q: Did you hear about the man who had a penis transplant?
A: His hand rejected it.
Q: What's the ultimate in trust
A: Two cannibals haveing oral sex.
Q: Why was Cinderella chucked out of Disneyland?
A: Because she was caught sitting on Pinnochio's face saying, 'Lie, lie, lie'.
Q: What should you do with your arsehole before you have sex?
A: Drop him off at the golf club.
Q: Why is a cumber and a beer better than a man?
A: Because the beer comes in a can, not in your mouth, and the cumber stays hard for a week.
Q: Sure god created man before woman.
A: But then you always make a rough draft before your make the final master piece
Q: What do you call the useless bit of skin at the end of a penis?
A: A man
Q: Why do women have two holes so close together?
A: So you can carry them home like a six pack.
Q: How can you tell if a woman is wearing tights?
A: When she farts her ankles swell up.
Q: What do you say to a woman with no arms or legs?
A: Nice tits.
Q: Why did god invent woman?
A: Because sheep can't cook.
Q: Why do women have foreheads?
A: So you have somewhere you can kiss them after they give you a blow job.
Q: What's the difference between driving in fog and eating pussy?
A: When you're eating pussy you can see the arsehole in front of you.
Q: Where is the best place to find a woman?
A: On the end of your cock
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Blow Up This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh...well...ah...well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!!" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him right back up!"

Together Again Maria is a devout Catholic She gets married and has 17 children, then her husband dies. She remarries a few weeks later, and has another 22 children with her second husband. Maria dies. At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, "At least, they're finally together." A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?" The priest says, "I mean her legs."

Lay Off A middle manager was in a quandary. He had to downsize one of his staff members. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a difficult decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in early that morning, hugely hung over after partying all night and getting no sleep. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin. The manager approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I have a terrible headache."

Screwed A man with no arms or legs is on a beach, when three beautiful women come up to him. The first one say's "Have you ever been hugged?" He say's no and the woman hugs him. The second say's "Have you ever been kissed?" He say's no and the woman kisses him. The third say's "Have you ever been screwed?" He say's no and she say's "Well you are now the tides coming in!"

Get it Right A man walks into a bar, and behind the bar he sees a huge pegboard with hundreds of 100 dollar bills attached to it. He walks up to the bartender and says, "Gee, that must be a helluva lot of money. Why is it there?" "Well, that's our jackpot," the bartender replies. "But so far nobody has managed to win it." "What do I have to do?" "Well, first you have to pay 100 bucks. Then you have to brave three challenges." "And what might they be?" "Okay, see that seven-foot muscle man at the door? First you have to knock him out. Then go behind the building. There you'll find a pit bull terrier with a bad tooth. Pull out the tooth! Then come back and go upstairs. First door on the left. There's a 350-pound woman in there. She's very old and very ugly. Shag her and you win the jackpot." "Okay, I'll give it a shot," says the man. So he walks over to the muscle man at the front door and says, "Hey, since when did you guys start showing porno flicks on the ceiling?" The muscle man looks up, and the man beans him with a beer bottle. Knocks him out. "Not bad, the bartender says. And now the dog." The man walks out the door. All of a sudden there's barking, shouts, garbage containers cracking. Twenty minutes later the man comes back, covered all over with blood, his shirt ragged, his pants down. "Alright, now where is this woman with the bad tooth?"

A guy says, "For our Twentieth Anniversary, I'm taking my wife to Australia." His friend says, "That's going to be tough to beat. What're you going to do for your Twenty-Fifth Anniversary?" The first guy says, "I'm going to go back and get her."

Getting Paid A man woke up one morning to find his wife packing her bags. Where the heck are you going?" demanded the husband. The wife replied, "You know all this free sex I've been giving you all these years? Well I just found out I can get $200 a shot for it out in Las Vegas." With that the husband jumped out of bed and began packing HIS bags. "Where do you think you're going?" demanded the wife. "I want to see how you can live on $400 a year!"

Top Ten Signs Your Spouse May Be Having An Online Affair
10) Lately she sits at the computer naked
9) After signing off, he always has a cigarette
8) The giant rubber inflatable disk drive
7) In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up
6) He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand
5) She makes sarcastic remarks about your "software"
4) Lipstick on the mouse
3) During sex, she screams "A colon backslash enter insert!"
2) The fax file is filled with pictures of someone's butt
1) The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear

Something's Missing These two guy's meet the day after having great party, the first guy tell's his friend you won't believe what happened after I left you to go home last night I found this girl tied to the rail way line so I untied her took her home and then we had the most incredible sex every conceivable position and we done it four or five times. Did she give you a blow job? enquired his friend, NO I TRIED ALL RIGHT, BUT I JUST COULDN'T FIND HER HEAD

Advertise A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion, and so draped a banner on the front of their building that read: "Our Staff will stuff your Stiff."
Not to be outdone, the madame across the street had her girls respond with a banner too: "Our Stuff will stiff your Staff."

Veteran Mr. Reiss got himself a new secretary. Maggie was young, sweet and polite.
One day while taking dictation, Maggie noticed his fly was open and, on leaving the room, she said "Oh, Mr Reiss, did you know that your barracks door is open?"
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in, he asked "By the way, Miss Bolt, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you see a soldier standing at attention?"
She was quite witty. "Why, no, Mr. Reiss" she replied. "All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags."

Fix It Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week." "I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter." "For God's sake, NO!!!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"

CLick Here and sing along with the following SONG!

(sung to the tune of "THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES") Come listen to a story 'bout a man named John,
A poor ex-marine with his little wanker gone.
It seems one night after gettin' with the wife,
She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.
Penis, that is.
Clean cut.
Missed his nuts.
Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side,
And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,
Tossed him out the window as she went around a bend.
Curve, that is.
tossed the nub.
In the shrub.
She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
They called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there"
To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.
Found, that is.
By a fence.
Evidence.
Now peter and John couldn't stay apart for long,
So a dick doc said, "Hey, I can fix that dong!"
"A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need"
And the whole world waited till they heard that Johnny peed.
Whizzed, that is.
Straight stream.
Even seam.
Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now, 'ya hear!

PICK-UP LINES
You know, I'd really love to screw your brains out, but it appears someone beat me to it.
Hey Baby! I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag!
Nice shoes, wanna screw?
I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
[Grab her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?
Excuse me. Do you want to screw or should I apologize?
NOW, BITCH!
Would you like to dance or should I go screw myself again?
Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?
Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
A woman asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" You: "Do you have the energy?"
Wow! Are those real?
That shirt's very becoming on you. If I were on you, I'd be coming too.
You know how they say skin is the largest organ? Not in my case.

"Nice Ears" - Rated R Bob lived in an apartment building and had to walk down the hall every morning to get his mail. One morning while getting his mail, his new, drop-dead gorgeous neighbor came out of her apartment towards him. As she leaned over to get her mail her robe opened a bit. Bob could hardly believe it, she wasn't wearing a thing under her robe. The woman leaned closer to Bob and said good morning.
This time her robe opened up completely. She purred to Bob that she hadn't had a man in years. He could hardly keep eye contact. She said she heard someone coming and that they should go to her apartment. They went inside and she let the robe fall to the floor. "What do you think my best feature is?"
Bob stuttered and drooled a bit, and finally said, "Your ears." "What do you mean my ears? Look at me. I have perfect breasts, a nice tight ass, and legs to die for! What on earth made you say ears?" "Well," said Bob, "in the hall, you said you heard someone coming? That was me!"

The 200 Bucks Burt went over to his pal Ernie's house and rang the doorbell, but Ernie¹s wife answered the doorbell.
"Hi, is Ernie home?"
"No, he's out."
"Well, do you mind if I come in and wait for him?"
"No, come right in."
They sat down and Burt said, "You know, Edna, you have the nicest tits I¹ve ever seen. I'll give you a hundred bucks if I can see just one of 'em."
Edna thought about it for a second. And she figured what the hell -- it's a hundred bucks.
So she opened her robe and showed Burt one titty.
Burt thanked her and threw 100 bucks on the table. They sat there a while longer and Burt said, "They are so beautiful. I just got to see both of 'em. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I can see both of them together."
Edna thought about this and thought, what the hell, it¹s another hundred bucks.
So she opened her robe and let Burt take nice long look. Burt thanked her and threw another100 bucks on the table. Then Burt said he couldn¹t wait any longer for Ernie, and he left.
A while later Ernie came home and his wife said, "You know your weird friend Burt came over."
Ernie thought about this for a minute and said, "Well, ... did he drop off the 200 bucks that he owes me?"