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The Engineer An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says: "Ah, you're an engineer, but you worked for a high-tech startup company and got rich. You've had too good of a life, so now you can't come in here."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer is dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are all upgraded and there are speaker wires running to every room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set. The engineer becomes a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls up Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are faster than ever and we've got music in every room. There's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there! Send him back up here, now."

Satan shouts back, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right... and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"

A Legal Question You are driving along a steep, very narrow, and windy two lane road with a double yellow line down the middle and a "Absolutely No Passing" sign posted and you come upon a bicycle rider.
Do you follow the slow moving bicycle for the next 2 miles, or do you break the law and pass?
You must make the choice.
(Scroll down to see the answer)

$3000 The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman..
"Can I help you?" the madam asked..
"I want Natalie," the old man replied..
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else...
" "No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charged $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, where upon the man calmly left..
The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left..
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."
"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."
"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give this $3,000 to you."
(Some things in life are certain: taxes, death and being screwed by an attorney.)

Operating Table Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers, those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Lawyers are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

Double Billed Why is it not legal for lawyers to have sex with their clients? Because the clients would get double billed for essetially the same service.

The Line A Lawyer was standing in line at the post-office when suddenly a man behind him starts rubbing his shoulders and neck. The Lawyer said, 'What in the world are you doing'. The man replied, 'I am a chiropractor and I'm just keeping in practice while waiting in line'. To that the Lawyer replied,' Well, you don't see me screwing the person in front of me, now do you'?

A Drink A Doctor and a Lawyer collided on a country road in their cars. The Lawyer could see that the doctor was shaken up and offered him a drink of whiskey from a small flask in his coat pocket. The Doctor took a drink and handed it back to the Lawyer who promptly put it away. 'Aren't you going to have a drink, too? The lawyer replied, 'Sure, after the cops leave'.

Heaven The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a while which was spent discussing their respective professions, St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Pete brings them down on the front lawn of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity. "Hot Damn", the Pope says to himself, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walk up on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff all his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out, "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of Earth, end up with this! Pete looks at the pontiff amused and replies, "Look here old fellow, this street is swarming with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first lawyer to make it up here!!"

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.
Q:What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.

Payment Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day, Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine." "Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. Why do you want to have him arrested for?" "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

Interpretation These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says, "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man, "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And the man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George turns to Harry and says, "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry says, "How can you tell?". George says, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless". That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".

Strange A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put "here lies an honest lawyer." "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's strange!"

Types of Lawyers There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge. There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.' - Michael Lara

Test Lawyers At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for five reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them. Third, lawyers multiply faster in numbers, Fourth, animal rights groups will not object to their torture. And fifth, there are some things even a rat won't do. There is a drawback however; sometimes it's very hard to extrapolate the test results to human beings"

Weekend A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country, rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears, a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in 'that one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"

Throw Them Away A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigar and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...

Can't Sleep A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed. The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!" The Hindu said he would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying, "There's a cow in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!" The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals. Two minutes later, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered...

Late Two lawyers made a date to have lunch together. The first person showed up on time, but the second person didn't show until 1-1/2 hours after they were supposed to meet...
1st lawyer: "How come you're so late?"
2nd lawyer: "Oh, I ran over a milk bottle and got a flat tire.."
1st lawyer: "A milk bottle? Didn't you see it in the road?"
2nd lawyer: "No - the kid had it under his coat..."

Very Cold It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

Lawyers A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator, it would be a good idea to just leave them there.

Owed Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand.
Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?", to which lawyer number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."

The Third Question Man goes goes to lawyer for help.
Man: What is your least expensive fee?
Lawyer: $50 for three questions. Man: That's pretty expensive isn't it?
Lawyer: Yes. So what's your third question?

The Bad News Malborn sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked Malborn incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

Identified "You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent. "And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition. Banging his gavel sharply, His Honor interrupted: "All right, now that both attorneys have been identified, let's get on with this case."

Rolex A lawyer is driving his new, red, convertible BMW when he runs a red light and is broad-sided by a Ford. He stumbles out in shock, all the while whining "My Beamer. My poor Beamer". A cop arrives on the scene and points out "Sir, your arm has been torn off". The lawyer looks at where his left arm used to be and screams "My Rolex!!!"

The Sport A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. This past time was immensely enjoyable to the truck driver.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking, so he thought he would do a good turn by offering the priest a lift. He pulled the truck over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!" replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." With that, the happy priest climbed into the passenger seat, and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road, and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer.
However, even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".
Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors, and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

Phone Guy After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him. "Show him right in!" our lawyer replied. As Mr. Jones was being ushered in, our lawyer had an idea. He quickly picks up the phone and shouts into it "And you tell them that we won't accept less then fifty thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that amount!" Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones; "Good Morning, Mr. Jones, what can I do for you?" "I'm from the phone company" Mr. Jones replied, "I'm here to connect your phone."

Facts Experts are people who know a great deal about very little and who go along learning more and more about less and less until they know practically everything about nothing. Lawyers, on the other hand, are people who know very little about many things and keep learning less and less about more and more until they know practically nothing about everything. Judges are people who start out knowing everything about everything but end up knowing nothing about anything because of their constant association with experts and lawyers.

The Verdict Is In A mobster was on trial, facing a possible life sentence, but his lawyer bribed a juror to hold out for a lesser charge.
After hours of deliberation, the jury returned a verdict carrying a maximum of ten years in prison.
Afterward, the lawyer approached the juror.
"You had me so worried! When the jury was out so long, I was afraid you couldn't pull it off."
"I was worried too!" answered the juror. "The others all wanted to acquit him!"

Hunting Regulations
Bill to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys PC 370.00
370.01 Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.
370.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.
370.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash.
370.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.
370.05 It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE SCOTCH" for the purposes of trapping attorneys.
370.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoon.
370.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels.
370.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.
370.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
370.10 Bag and Possession Limits per day: Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2; Two-faced tortfeasors, 1; Back-stabbing divorce litigators, 3; Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2; Minutiae-advocating dirtbags, 4. Honest attorneys protected (Endangered Species Act).
ARS 8007.21 It is illegal to take attorneys with a moving vehicle unless there are no measurable skid marks at the kill site.