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The Dancer One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men, and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No", the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

Surgery Sen. John Kerry, recovering from prostate surgery, was told it would be six weeks before he could be sexually active.
John Edwards called to wish Kerry well.
Al Sharpton called Kerry to offer prayers.
Howard Dean called with encouragement on recovery.
Bill Clinton called Teresa.

School Visit John Kerry visits a primary school and sits in on one of the classes, which is in the middle of a discussion of words and their meaning.
The teacher asks Mr. Kerry if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So, the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.
"That's wrong," Kerry says. "That would be considered an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"You are completely incorrect" says the Senator. "That would be what we would consider a great loss".
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Kerry searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a plane carrying Senator John Kerry was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy".
"Fantastic !" exclaims Kerry. "You are absolutely right. Can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as heck wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident!"

The Queen One day President Bush was visiting Queen Elizabeth and she decided to take him for a tour of London in the Royal Carriage. The carriage was being pulled by six Royal Stallions and one of them suddenly passed gas.
It sounded like a 21-gun salute it was so loud!
The smell permeated the inside of the carriage and the Queen was totally devastated.
"I appoligize profusely for the terrible smell inside the carriage", she said.
"Oh, that's alright", said the George, "for a minute there I thought it was the horse!"

Once Upon A Time "Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "
"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"

Titanic Bill Clinton, George Bush and George Washington were on the Titanic.
As the boat was sinking, George Washington heroically shouts, ''Save the women!''
George Bush hysterically screeches, ''Screw the women!''
And Bill Clinton smirks and purrs, ''Do we have time?'

School Visit Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in Ithaca, New York to talk about the world.
After her talk she offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.
"Kenneth."
"And what is your question, Kenneth?"
"I have three questions:
First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
And third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.
"Larry."
"And what is your question?"
"I have five questions:
First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?
Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

And fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"

Star Trek The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN was walking down the hallway and bumped into President Bush. Hoping to break the ice with an innocuous comment, the ambassador quickly said, "Respectfully, sir. I have a question about what I’ve seen in America."
Politely, President Bush answered, "If I can help explain things to you, please let me know."
The Iraqi whispered. "My little girl watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in this show, there’s Chekov who is a Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Sulu who is Chinese… but there aren't any Iraqis. Why aren’t there any Iraqis on Star Trek?".
President Bush whispered back to the ambassador, "It's because Star Trek takes place in the future."

Hell One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.
In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

Clinton Country A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.
A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," said the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!"
"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

A Sad Story I am a senior citizen.
During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job.
I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes.
Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse.
I lost my job.
I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.
I lost my homes.
I lost my health insurance.
As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless.
Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.
I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year.
Bush has to go.
Sincerely,

Saddam Hussein

Muslims George W. Bush and Tony Blair are at a White House dinner. One of the important guests walks over to them and asks what they are talking about. We are making up the plans for World War III, says Bush. Wow, says the guest. And what are the plans? We are gonna kill 14 million Muslims and one dentist, answers Bush. The guest looks to be a bit confused. One...dentist? He says. Why? Why will you kill one dentist? Blair pats Bush on the shoulder and says; What did I tell you? Nobody is gonna ask about the Muslims.

Baghdad Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face. Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!" A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. "Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!" Clinton says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

Careful What You Wish For Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie. "Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!", she exclaimed. "No", said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish." "Lets see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage...." "And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want..." "I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yeah, that's it,for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed." Poof, and just like that, her ears were gone!

Interested in being a Whitehouse Intern?
Fill out this information form and send it back to the White House at president@whitehouse.gov Name: _________________________
Hometown: _____________________
Sex: F_____ Age: __
Measurements: __ __
(required for medical purposes)
How many beers it takes to get you...
...Giggly:
...Drunk:
...Hot:
...To lie to a federal prosecutor:

The Land of Oz Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Newt Gengrich were on their way to meet the wizard of OZ. When they met Al Gore asked for a brain, Newt asked for a heart, and Bill asked "where's Dorothy?"

Choice? Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore, than let liquor touch these lips!" The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice."

First Pitch President Clinton is invited by George Steinbrenner to opening day at Yankee Stadium. Mr. Steinbrenner asks the President, "Mr. President . . . Bill . . . since you are my special guest, and today is opening day, we'd like for you to throw out the first pitch." President Clinton say excitedly, "SURE, I'D LOVE TOO.!" So before the game begins, the President is introduced to the crowd . . . the crowd applauds...Bill does the Presidential wave thing...and then, he picks up Hillary, raises her above his head, and gives her the good heave ho straight across home plate. The crowd goes WILD! George Steinbrenner puts his hand on Clinton shoulder and says, "That was just FANTASTIC...but I said 'throw out the first PITCH!"

Save My Place Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake up." Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up." Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?" Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom." To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom." Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."

Collection One fine day in Washington DC motorist was experiencing the worst grid-lock in traffic he'd ever seen.He finally hailed a policeman who had been going from car to car to find out what the problem was. The officer told him that the President had stopped his motorcade in the middle of traffic because he was feeling depressed. The President was upset because he couldn't pay his lawyer fees and also because everyone was making jokes about him and he was threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. The officer went on to say that he was going from car to car to take up donations for the President.The motorist asked 'how much do you have so far?'The officer replied 'There are still alot of people siphoning but so far I have about 200 gallons.

Who is This? Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly checkup.When she was finished,she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but that she was pregnant! She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant. Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the White house. When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well, they rang the oval office and Bill answered. Hillary said, 'Do you know what you did you rotten bastard? You got me pregnant!'The president remained silent. Again, Hillary screamed, 'DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU ROTTEN BASTARD? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!' Bill finally answered,'Who is this?'

Poll They took a pole of 100 women in Washington D.C. and they asked them the question,'Would you ever sleep with the president?' 95 of those women said, 'Never again!'

Investigation One night last winter the President was spending a weekend at Vail Colorado.In the morning he went outside and the words 'impeach Clinton' was written in the snow with urine.After extensive tests by the FBI it was found that the urine came from Kenneth Starr. Upon further investigation it was found that the handwritting was Hillary's.

What If Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love. They exchanged hellos, and went on their way. As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today." She smirked and replied, "No. If I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States."

Bad Choice One time President CLINTON was put into a coma and Vice President GORE was put in charge. The president finally woke up two years later. Then a nurse came over and asked him what he wanted now that he was up. The President said "I really want a nice hamburger, say how much are they now?" The nurse said "100 yen."

Advice Clinton, distraught and contemplating his latest scandal was walking through Washington looking for any kind of guidance. He walks up to the Washington Monument, looks up and says, "George, you were always wise, what should I do?" Low and behold, a voice comes down from above and says, "ABOLISH THE I.R.S. AND START OVER." Clinton, amazed that he is talking to the past President thinks he'll try it again. He walks over to the Jefferson Memorial and utters the same request. "Thomas, you never had these kind of problems, what can I do to rally people behind me?" Again a voice from above answers, "WELFARE, ITS NOT WORKING, ABOLISH IT, START OVER." After hearing this Clinton is so excited he is planning to go to all the historic sites for guidance. Next he goes to the Lincoln Memorial. "Abe, I need your help, people are losing confidence in me and they no longer trust me what should I do?" After a substantial pause Abe responds, "TAKE THE DAY OFF GO TO THE THEATER."

In Trouble One day Bill Clinton was out jogging -- and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river. Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river. After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you." The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!" "I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Clinton. "I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said. "I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the grateful defender of the Western Hemisphere. "And I'd like a coffin with a stereo in it," said the third boy. "I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not dead!" "No -- but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved from drowning."

Good Trade President Clinton is arriving back in D.C. after a trip to his home state of Arkansas. He steps out of the plane carrying two pigs, one under each arm.When he reaches the bottom of the stairs the Marine sharply salutes him as usual. Clinton says: "I'd salute you back son, but as you can see my hands are full." The Marine replies: "Yes Sir!, mighty fine Pigs sir!" President Clinton responds: "These aren't just ordinary pigs Marine, they are pure Arkansas Razorback Pigs!!" The Marine replies: "Yes Sir!, mighty fine Razorbacks Sir!" The President then responds: "I got this one for Hillary, and this one for Chelsea!" The Marine replies: "Yes Sir!, Good Trade Sir!"

Presidential Poetry There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
On this flute made of beef That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess, Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown What Kaczynski must surely have known: That an intern is better Than a bomb in a letter.

What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate? At least this time, there's no doubt about the identity of "Deep Throat."

Why did Monica Lewinsky accept an offer to work on the White House staff? She didn't know what "staff" they really meant.

The Wish Bill Clinton was jogging along the beach when he came upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it around, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared! Bill was amazed and startled, and asked the genie if he got three wishes? "No" said the genie "I'm afraid that due to constant down sizing, world stock market volatility, fierce global competition, deflation and low wages in asian countries, I can only grant you but one wish sir. So please, what will it be?..."
Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "There is something near and dear to my heart; I would like to see peace in the Middle East. Here, see this map? I want all these countries to stop fighting and make peace among them."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, man! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. The hatred among them runs deep. Many have tried and failed at what you ask. I'm good but not THAT good. I just don't think it can be done. Please, could you make another wish?"
Bill thought for a minute, and then said, "Well you know, people just don't like my wife Hillary. They think she's bad tempered, has a big butt, and pushes me around too much. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and have everybody really like her. OK, that's what I want."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "William, let me see that map again!..."

Top Ten From the law offices of Johnnie Cochran, Esq, here are the top ten proposed closing arguments in the matter of United States Vs Bill Clinton:
10. If the dress ain't a mess, he won't need to confess
9. The economy's great, let the white boy skate
8. If the bitch didn't spit, you must aquit.
7. If she is not spread eagle, then it's not illegal
6. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore
5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses
4. He cheats on his wife, but it's his personal life
3. Bill won't tell the truth til he sees Ken Starr's proof
2. Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy
And the number one closing argument by Johnnie Cochran:
1. If the sex is just oral, it's not really immoral

What does Monica Lewinsky have in common with a slot machine? They both have a slot that says insert bill.

Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky is going to switch political parties? The Democratic Party left a bad taste in her mouth.
Q.Why did not Monica Lewinsky get her blue dress cleaned ? A.Because she wanted to take President Clinton to the cleaners instead.

There once was a girl named Monica Who played Bill's Harmonica She said with a grin as she wiped her chin I guess you don't celebrate Hanukkah

Did you hear the judge threw out the DNA evidence on Monica's dress? It seems that everybody in Arkansas has the same DNA!

The Replacement Clinton dies and of course goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil greets him and offers him three ways to spend eternity. They go to the first door and the Devil shows Bill Newt Gringrich, hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says "Oh no! That's not how I want to spend all eternity..." They go to the second door. The Devil shows him Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says "Oh no! Not for me!" They go to the third door. Behind it is Ken Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him a blowjob. Bill thinks and decides "Hmmm. Looks okay to me. I'll take it." The Devil then says "Good. Hey Monica, you've been replaced."

Q: Bill and Hillary were on a sinking ship. Who get saved? A: The Nation

When President Clinton was asked how the Jennifer Flowers affair compared to the Monica Lewinski affair, he responded: "Close, but no cigar."

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away.
When they come down and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of Oz. They decide to go to see the Wizard of Oz.
Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"

Chelsea's Questions When Chelsea Clinton was young she walked in on her mom getting out of the shower. Pointing to her chest she asked her "What are those?" Hiliary's response was "Oh honey, those are my breasts."
Chelsea asked "Will I get breasts?"
"Yes, when you're older." said Hillary.
A day or two later Chelsea walked in on her dad getting out of the shower. Pointing towards his penis, she asked "What's that?"
Bill responded "Oh honey, that's my penis."
Chelsea asked "Will I get a penis?"
Bill responded, "Yes, when your mother leaves."

What's HE doing in here??? This might be HIS page someday after the Florida recount!

What Nixon and Clinton have in common
Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Water Bed
Nixon: His biggest fear: the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear: a Cold Sore
Nixon: Carpet bombing
Clinton: Carpet burns
Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her
Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case
Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: No difference
Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President
Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him and saying "He's the one"
Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak
Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot
Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on a Ho
Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her

Happy Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten 10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "I could throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all three of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

Reward Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened. About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn. "What happened to you", asked Bill. Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me. "My God, what did you tell them", asks Clinton. The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig".